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The morning sunlight peers through the blinds. Barely awake, I roll overreaching blindly for my phone. There’s no point looking. It doesn’t matter what time it is.
The messages that are waiting for me on my phone no longer matter. They may be urgent, but I don’t care. I have nothing inside me but this familiar feeling of despair.
It stings a bit more this time. I have been enjoying some good days lately. The change in medication has lifted my spirits and with that my hope. It’s discouraging when the bad days return. It reminds me how far I still have to go.
I know it is part of the process.
I know I didn’t fail.
I know it is not over.
Tragically at this moment none of that matters. All I feel is the pain. My eyes can’t focus on anything. Work isn’t happening today. I’ll be lucky if I can respond to a text message.
Even through this, I still hear that voice in my head. Surprisingly it hasn’t been drowned out by years of negativity.
It screams, “Don’t stop!”
It won’t let me bag my day so soon.
Today is a bad day. I have too many of these, but I refuse to stop. I’m still going to get up and attempt to workout. I may not get all the way through it, but I’ll sure try.
I’m going to try and get some work done. The task list won’t get finished today, but I’ll still make a bit of progress. Progress adds up.
I’m going to try and talk to people, even though it hurts me.
Sure I will move slower today but I will still move.
I may stumble forward, and it may look ugly but today I will not stop.
I will take care of myself. I won’t do things that make me worse.
I will push past the pain today.
It will hurt, but I will not stop.
I will reach the end of the day despite all of this.
I will not stop.