Early in my twenties, I learned that the times that I was awake, when others were sleeping, were all mine. I would get to the office way before anyone else so I could get all my work done before everyone got there and ruined it. Over the years, I’ve accomplished a lot that way. I’ve always heard that creatives aren’t morning people yet I used to feel inspired early in the morning, before the day began. And don’t get me started on my love of early morning runs. Running through a sunrise after you’ve already been on your feet for an hour – that’s when you really see the beauty of God’s creation.
That just makes this all so much more frustrating. This depression. This crippling weight I can’t shake off. It screws up everything. I can’t remember the last night I went to bed excited for the next day. Actually no, that’s a luxury. I’m not talking about that. No, I can’t remember the last time I went to bed with any feelings other than apprehension, dread and fear. I think it might have been last summer. July maybe. I don’t really know.
Every night, and this is no exaggeration, I’ll have a couple hours of quiet sleep before depression and anxiety break in. I’ll spend the rest of the night fending off nightmares until my wife’s alarm goes off at around 6am. I’ll then work from 6am to about 3pm to fight off the depression just enough to try working. That’s if I’m lucky.
I know that sounds awful but I don’t know what is worse – going to sleep knowing all that stuff is about to happen or waking up knowing that nothing has changed and your day isn’t going to be any better than yesterday. All that’s left to do is lament over those beautiful lost mornings and to resent the pain you feel.
So I just lay there most days; waiting for the depression to take a break long enough for me to respond to a text or finish a task.
I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, drifting between fear of sleeping and the dread of being awake.
Enjoy this article? Please tell a friend.
If you liked this or any articles on the site, recommending Sad Runner to your friends is one of the highest compliments you can give.
The more people know about Sad Runner, the more we can share our message that a depression diagnosis does not have to be the end of the story.